INTERVIEW WITH RALPH BLIMLY, AUTHOR OF "HOW TO MAKE MONEY AND BE HAPPY AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT"
BS: I have with me today Mr. and Mrs. Ralph Blimly. Mr. Blimly graduated from Boston College in 1963 with a degree in marketing and has since been quite busy making money. In 1965 he attempted to start his own marketing consulting firm "Sell" which fell flat, but he tried again in 1970 with the name "Find a Niche first then Sell" which became the second largest marketing firm in the country by the year 1976. Blimly has been an advisor to many high-ranking people including Jeremy Stockwilder, the multimillionaire record producer, actors Joseph Jacoby, Bill Baxter and his very very young wife, and famous dancer Amy Lappans whom he never had sex with. Blimly married Edna Parkenson in 1968, now known to all as Mrs. Blimly…. ahahahahahahahah! … and we’re glad you invited us to your home Mr. and Mrs. Blimly.
Mr. Blimly: Yes, it is wonderful to be in my magnificent home, isn’t it?
BS: Many people often wonder how you found the inspiration to succeed as you did, being an only child in a home with an alcoholic father, very poor, and without a television…
Mr. Blimly: Now that wasn’t true, I did have a television in my room, but it had no antenna.
BS: Well, then poor television reception.
Mr. Blimly: It wasn’t too bad. VHF channels came in ok.
BS: Very well, poor UHF television reception.
Mr. Blimly: Of course the contrast button was broken.
BS: Yes, well, let’s just say you had poor UHF reception and no contrast. But what about your father…
Mr. Blimly: Oh he was great. He used to come up and watch the Lone Ranger with me. I tell ya, when he was tanked he was the most fun. We’d sit there and make fun of the commercials, make fun of Tonto…
BS: You mean he… was fun when he drank? Didn’t he ever…
Mr. Blimly: Dad used to come home stoned once in a while. That’s when we had the most fun, I mean when your Dad gets paranoid it’s more fun than when he comes in drunk and smelly and with the hiccups. Oh, man, I didn’t even understand at the time, but when he’d crawl in the corner and say that Silver, the Lone Ranger’s horse, was coming after him to crush him, it was really a riot. I was so lucky to have such a father, I mean other kids would have dads who played baseball or football with ‘em, but my dad was way more fun.
BS: Yes, uhh… were you ever lonely being an only child?
Mr. Blimly: Nah, I had plenty of company, right babe? (smack)
Mrs. Blimly: Oh yes he did!
BS: You grew up together?
Mr. Blimly: That’s right. We met in first grade. It was love at first sight. I’ll never forget the first time I saw her, she was picking her nose, and Mrs. Foley, our teacher, told her to stop it. Then Edna looked at me and laughed with those twinkling eyes and missing teeth, and I stopped picking my nose and laughed back, until Mrs. Foley told us both to stop it or she’d give us a whack. We always sat together after that, joked around, drank our milk together…
BS: Wow, so you were together all of your lives, really?
Mrs. Blimly: Well, except for the junior high years, when I was in Baton Rouge at that school for…
Mr. Blimly: Now honey, he doesn’t have to know EVERYTHING.
BS: Oh, well, certainly I don’t mean to pry. I’m just curious how your childhood might have formed your adult success.
Mr. Blimly: It’s certainly true that I had plenty of company as a child, as you seem to be getting at. I was driven though, mostly by my mother, to get good grades. She always felt that I could do better, that I could always try harder. She was the disciplinarian. My father was a mechanic, you know, he didn’t really care if I got good grades or not. He just assured me that he could teach me how to fix drinks. And it came in pretty handy in high school, I tell ya, HAHAHAHA!
Mrs. Blimly: Yes, how many teenagers do you know got drunk on mixed drinks! Everyone else chased after beer but Ralph here saw to it that we got white russians and bloody marys.
BS: So your father’s drinking probably caused you to drink as you got older then?
Mr. Blimly: Aw heck we all got drunk in high school! It had nothin’ to do with dad. After high school I was dry anyway. I haven’t had a drink since 1960.
BS: That’s interesting.
Mr. Blimly: Yeah, well in college I hit the books you know, I didn’t fool around, except for an occasional eating binge.
BS: So you had eating binges? Purges?
Mr. Blimly: Well, I ate too much pizza once in a while, if that’s what you mean.
BS: Not exactly.
Mr. Blimly: I ran a lot in those days, so I didn’t gain any weight. Ate pretty good, pretty regular. Ate more when I took Edna out, know what I mean?
BS: So you dated… well, when did you start dating?
Mr. Blimly: Oh, second grade I think. Like I said we met in first grade, but I was awfully shy to ask her out. Besides, where could we go at that age? By second grade I could go over her house, maybe ride bikes around the block, that kind of stuff. Anyway, in junior high we got more adventurous. In high school we actually dated others. We did "look around" if you know what I mean.
BS: So you weren’t always together?
Mr. Blimly: Well, Edna came along on all my other dates, and I usually went with her on her dates, though I missed a few.
BS: You mean you escorted her?
Mrs. Blimly: Well, he didn’t want anyone touchin’ me.
BS: Yes but…
Mr. Blimly: Hey, like I said, we "looked around." That’s it.
BS: Yes well, let’s discuss your adult years Mr. Blimly. After you graduated college what did you do first?
Mr. Blimly: First thing I did was throw my cap in the air.
BS: After that Mr. Blimly.
Mr. Blimly: Well, I scruffed around a while, borrowed money from Edna, bought dad a case of bourbon with it, bought mom a new coat, payed off my gambling debt…
BS: Then you had a GAMBLING problem?!
Mr. Blimly: Naw, I just owed one of my buddies 5 bucks on a bet that I would moon the audience at the graduation. I chickened out.
Mr. Blimly: After a few months I found a job with a company called "Selling Stuff." It was basically an advertising type job. They wanted me to come up with snazzy stuff that would sound good, billboard type things, you know. I was bored. I wanted to find markets, not make up jingles, you know. So I quit after about a year and one of my buddies said we should start our own marketing firm. That’s when we came up with "Sell."
BS: And that fell flat.
Mr. Blimly: Well , at first it did pretty good. I concentrated on the markets, but my friend was an advertising guy, and he didn’t really care about markets, he just liked pictures and attention grabbers without finding a niche, you know. Just what I didn’t like about my last job. But he brought people in, especially gorgeous women, he was a magnet. They liked his moustache and his sense of humor, but he was always trying to sell ‘em stuff they didn’t want. He had this bad habit of bad-mouthing them and calling ‘em whores, and unfortunately he lost every one of ‘em that way.
BS: His girlfriends would find out that he badmouthed them?
Mr. Blimly: No, he would tell ‘em right to their face, "you’re a goddamn whore!" Most of them didn’t like that.
BS: Well, no.
Mr. Blimly: Hey, a couple of ‘em loved it.
Mr. Blimly: You should have seen what they wore.
BS: Yeah? What?
Mr. Blimly: This one used to wear short leather skirts, and she’d have these tight sweaters…
Mrs. Blimly: Ralph!
BS: Uh, so you folded the company then, right?
Mr. Blimly: Yeah, well, in ’66 I told my buddy it wasn’t working. So I went to work for GM until 1970 in their marketing department. That’s when I learned all the tricks. How to sell the right things to the right people. Find out what they WANT. All the hustling and smooth talk is pointless unless you first offer them the right stuff. Then in ’70 I started "Find a Niche first then Sell." It took off. I tell you, it’s great to sell. Find the market. Sell ‘em what they want. Get there first, before your competitors do. Get up early and drive it home. Sell it! Aggressive phone calls! Teamwork! Commissions! Disciplined workers, determined to sell it first, with customer satisfaction always the highest priority! We always stressed that over our competitors, like "Marketing Giants, Inc.," "We’ll Sell Your Stuff," "The Selling Co.," they just couldn’t handle it! We worked like dogs, selling and yelling and swearing, driving it home! We were tops! WE NEVER STOPPED!
Mrs. Blimly: Dear, your blood pressure!
Mr. Blimly: Oh yes dear, you’re right.
BS: You certainly were driven by a purpose. But what was that purpose, Mr. Blimly?! What drove you to be what you are, what gave you the determination to get up and do it, every day, what was it that gave you this meaning in your life? What was it that many people are looking for today, a purpose in their lives that drives them to overcome any obstacle, to give it all every day?!!
Mr. Blimly: Money.
BS: ……… that’s it?
Mr. Blimly: Yes. I love money.
BS: Yes but Mr. Blimly, there must have been something, and that’s why I concentrated on your childhood, that gave you this intensity.
Mr. Blimly: Well, besides Edna, money.
BS: Edna and money.
Mr. Blimly: Yes.
BS: ………. Thank you Mr. Blimly.
Mr. Blimly: Thank you sir, I’m glad we could arrange this considering my recent rehabilitation.
BS: REHAB!? You were in rehab Mr. Blimly? For what?
Mr. Blimly: Well, I’ve been addicted to spending money for a couple of years.
BS: That’s it?
Mr. Blimly: Isn’t that enough?
BS: Well, what I mean, well, I’m sorry. Thank you again Mr. Blimly, Mrs. Blimly.
Mrs. Blimly: It was our pleasure.